first rap - criticism appreciated

[outlaw305]

I don't rap, I attack any wack mc
Tryna take a crack at me
Ya get gone, get punctured with my lyrical blade
I'm an assassin,
You tryna clean up ya new chest cavity wit a napkin,
I make it happen,
This battle's disproportionate,
Wasting time writin rhymes when you shoulda been an abortion, shit
Poor guy, findin out you was an "oops"
you a broke bitch I run you over wit my coupe
Your style slips up like you some drunk old man on a stoop
I have no mercy and I'm fuckin bloodthirsty,
We can't battle cuz after my verse you'll be in a hearst, see
I don't wanna scar you but imma leave you hurting
Don't waste ya time you should be sweepin floors at burger king

Only 8 bars, I just wrote this one to give people an idea of what kind of mc I am.

Criticism is welcome, but please keep it constructive.

[~Yung_Money~]

dis was pretty basic, couple good lines, but overall u got some work to do, up a vocab some, and peep da 101 forum on how to use multis

[ScRaTcH]

Write something that matters
everyday trying 2 climd that life ladder
Nobody cares what you are trying to do
try 2 be yourself and they don't approve
Be you just wasn't cool
I'm put on thiz earth to put death upon these phonies
make'em into ma chronies
You'll be marked 4 death so experince little bit
of life u got left
Didn't listen 2 wut i had 2 say now had 2 let tha
12 gage spray
I've cut you out of ma life no more of me left 4 u
I try 2 be your friend you went your way now
I'm going mine

[ScRaTcH]

comments please and crittcism suggested

[Multi]

okay for a noobie....work on more complex rhymes

[Trillnga]

okay for a noobie....work on more complex rhymes

[ScRaTcH]

thanx a lot keep up

[apollyon1]

up your vocab and make it a lil more structured and it will be good

but that was iight

[xXxRickManxXx]

my dads asshole tastes like rasberrys an sea water

[xXxRickManxXx]

Dat Was So WACK

[newdog]

hi guys i would be more than glad if you could tell me what you like and what you don t like in this lyrics. well this is my first text. i would be delighted to hear some of Yours reviews. tnx in further...

sometimes i just feel like i
like i m trying the impossible
world peace, flaw, recess
oh no its incredible
facing the earth racing for money
it aint funny no more
our society rely on cash
nobles looks how to bash the stash
where coins and brass wont last
in town known as hunter hills
wealthy people live not caring for receipts and bills
but majority of mankind is drowning in feeling
dismissed and discarded, disoriented in cynic laugh
torn apart scared and hoping for some breath
inbreathe whats inbred in our nature
do what we r able
not as cain yet as abel...

[N.O.¢]

i DO not get what u are trying to say in your rhymes and they need a little more complex rhymes and vocab. Just work on those three and u'll be good.

[newdog]

i DO not get what u are trying to say in your rhymes and they need a little more complex rhymes and vocab. Just work on those three and u'll be good.

thanks man, i really appreciate this critic of yours. this whole thing is about world where money dictates our personality...