First Rhyme, FEEDBACK NEEDED!

[SBY]

Im writin a goodbye letter//
Would they mind wishin me goodluck have fun no matter how much you suck//
In the letter, i whish we'all had better times
but i think its only a wish in my rhymes//
Now world have changed, no more games//
sick people with a ignition switch//
They wait for the right time to start the bomb//
50 dead dont you bellive me look at cnn.com//
Where is the humanity//
everything we used to love//
is now under the thumb of men who want religions into a atomic bomb//
Muslims kills Muslims, Christians kills Christians, Jews kills Jews//
Mothers,fathers daughters theyve done you wrong//

Well, it was my first rhymes actually. Tryed my best Now gimme some feedback.. :)

[Kore2]

Im writin a goodbye letter//
Would they mind wishin me goodluck have fun no matter how much you suck//

That not a good open at all. Your choice of words don't suit the mood well, and your rhymes are off the beat.

In the letter, i whish we'all had better times
but i think its only a wish in my rhymes//


I see what you're trying to say, came across decently, but the beat/flow is still off.

Now world have changed, no more games//
sick people with a ignition switch//
They wait for the right time to start the bomb//
50 dead dont you bellive me look at cnn.com//
Where is the humanity//
everything we used to love//
is now under the thumb of men who want religions into a atomic bomb//
Muslims kills Muslims, Christians kills Christians, Jews kills Jews//
Mothers,fathers daughters theyve done you wrong//


First off, that whole part is bad. No beef intended, but your grammer needs some work as well. 'Now world have changed' 'want religions into a atomic bomb' - are a couple of examples of bad grammar you had. Some of your lines don't rhyme well, and it looks like you're having trouble trying to say waht you mean. I can sort of get what you're saying, but it's all fuzzy and blur. I'd say take your 3rd and fourth lines, and use those as a guideline to write your next verse.

Hope this helped.

[Kat]

blah

[Kat]

blah

[Harmonic]

You're all over the place.. vocally spit this stuff and see if it fits to a beat.. does it? i can't seem to.